The truth is vulnerability matters – and it can be incredibly hard and even terrifying, especially if we have been hiding those parts of ourselves from others (or even ourselves) for years or decades. 

Let’s discuss why vulnerability is so hard for us, why it’s incredibly important, and how we can start practicing vulnerability in safe places. 

Why is Vulnerability So Hard for Us? 

We are raised in a society that not only doesn’t encourage vulnerability but is full of humans walking around who are so walled up that they aren’t even honest with themselves. Therefore, how could they even begin to be vulnerable with one another? 

We walk around with so many learned and conditioned behaviors around what it means to open up and what we can expect when that occurs. For many of us, what we learned can pretty much be summed up as “it’s not safe to be vulnerable.” 

If you grew up in a home where feelings were not talked about or welcomed, then you may even walk away from childhood believing that it’s not okay to feel big feelings. You may have been taught that you aren’t allowed to have needs and that it’s your job or role to be the caretaker of others. 

Regardless of where your childhood and life experiences lie on the spectrum, we all live in a society where vulnerability is rarely understood, practiced, or honored. Fortunately, I do think as a society we are making many strides in the right direction with being able to hold space for the vulnerability of ourselves and others, but there is still a lot of progress to be made. 

With all of the above, there is no wonder as to why vulnerability is so hard for us. Of course, it is – how could it not be? We didn’t have a class in 2nd grade where we learned the importance of sharing how we feel and being able to witness the feelings of others in a healthy way. 

When we are taught by our society or those closest to us that vulnerability means weakness, it truly distorts our views of what it means to share who we are with the world. It takes time to rewire those neural pathways in our minds, but it’s not only possible – it’s essential to be healthier versions of ourselves.

Why is Vulnerability Important for Our Mental Health?

When we are avoiding vulnerability it significantly limits our ability to connect with others and as humans connection is essential. We were not made to be alone here on this planet. We were made to be in community with others. 

If we are not willing to take the risk of being vulnerable (with safe people), then we often can feel disconnected, lonely, unsupported, frustrated, and a host of other emotions that keep us stuck. 

In essence, we need places in which we can be fully ourselves, fully vulnerable, and fully loved in our humanity. 

How to Practice Vulnerability 

Share with Safe People

First and foremost, I want to make it super clear that when you start practicing vulnerability it needs to be with someone who has shown themselves to be a safe person for you. Whether that’s a friend, therapist, or someone else in your life, you want to start dipping your toes into the water (or going further into the deep end if you have been practicing in the shallow end for a while) with someone you can trust. 

Why? Because if we choose to start practicing vulnerability with people who have already proven themselves to not be safe for us, then it will harm us. In this scenario, we learn the same thing all over again – it’s not safe to be vulnerable. 

Know What You Want to Share

You will also want to make sure you have an idea of what you want to share. Is there something currently going on in your life that you would like to have help “holding?” Are there feelings you’re having that you want someone else to know that you’re experiencing? There are no right or wrong answers here, but when you ask yourself “what do I need to share” you will often get an answer very quickly. 

Ask for What You Need

Another key is to make sure you ask for what you need. I know this can be hard for some people due to past experiences; however, we must remember that people are not mind readers. Furthermore, everyone is different. When I share, maybe what would be helpful to me afterward is a hug. For you, maybe a hug would be startling to your system. 

Practically, this can look like going up to your friend and saying something along the lines of “I need to share something with you that is hard for me to share. Can you please just listen and then after I share would you mind giving me a hug and reassuring me that it’s okay that I share big feelings with you?” 

People who care about you want to help and often want to love you well; however, they don’t always know what would be helpful and can be scared to do or say something that makes it worse. When we show up and share what we need, it makes it easier for them to help us and increases the chance that we will have a positive sharing experience.

Start Small

Finally, feel free to start small. Often what works best for our nervous system is that we take it a little at a time. Choose something small to test the waters. As you realize you’re safe in being vulnerable, you can start to share bigger things with those you trust.

Integration Practice 

With a deeper understanding of vulnerability, including why we often resist being vulnerable not only with others but also with ourselves, let’s start to slowly integrate the practice into our lives.

Before we can be vulnerable with others, we have to first be willing to be vulnerable with ourselves. Take a few minutes to think about or journal how you’re honestly feeling today. 

How do you feel? Is there anything that you feel is weighing you down or bringing up feelings of sadness? Are you feeling frustrated, angry, or annoyed? Are you feeling lonely or discouraged? 

Once you identify your feelings, try to see if there is a story, belief, or situation that is coming up for you (aka what thoughts are associated with these feelings?). 

Then, if you are able, identify where these feelings are showing up in your body. Place your hand on that part of your body and remind yourself that you are with you. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Don’t try to fix it or change it, allow it to be. 

Ask yourself “what do you need right now?” and then listen. As best as you’re able, get that need met. It may involve you resting quietly alone or you may feel the need to reach out to a friend for support. Whatever arises, be with it, hear it, witness it, let it know it’s okay to feel big feelings, and then as best as you’re able nurture that part of yourself in a kind, loving way. 

Once you’re vulnerable with yourself, slowly start to share these parts of you with trusted loved ones and watch as your nervous system and mind begin to rewire what it means to be vulnerable – and watch as your relationships and feelings of safety deepen. 

Great job taking this time for yourself – to learn, to grow, and to take the next step in your healing journey. 

With love and light,