Before we can talk about how I know magic is real, we have to first take a deeper look at my complete resistance and even fear of all things magical and supernatural. Why? Because I didn’t want to go to hell. Remember, I was raised in Birmingham, Alabama.

Second, when you have insane anxiety due to what actually exists in your life there isn’t much fucking room for things that don’t exactly exist in physical form right before your eyes. Plus, I don’t like being startled so the thought of a ghost just appearing in my bedroom was beyond terrifying. 

By the time I got to the dark night of the soul part of my spiritual journey, I had been in church relatively often for the previous ten years. I was very familiar with the 3-point sermons, jumping around the bible instead of reading entire books, and being told to “Let go and let God,” with the assumption being you should be fine and if anything is wrong then it’s your fault for not giving it to God. 

I have heard the complaints about yoga, meditation, and all this other new-aged stuff sending you straight to hell. And even the word “ritual” and the presence of incense were clearly of the devil. (I wasn’t nearly where I am today in my healing journey so I was a huge people pleaser and the last fucking “person” I wanted to piss off was God so I avoided all that stuff.) 

That was until my therapist, just being herself, started using guided meditations, incense, and rituals in our sessions. At first, I was hesitant but I was so desperate for help. By this point, I had put all of my eggs into her basket when it came to surviving my healing journey. (I was completely drowning most days and sessions with here were my tether and source of hope.) So I slowly but surely started creating my own little rituals at home, using incense and candles, and over time, I began to understand the beauty of these practices. 

Part of these new explorations included the guided meditations she’d lead me through in session in an attempt to help calm down my flailing nervous system and the recorded meditations she had made specifically for me to help me remember I am not alone between sessions. Honestly, those personalized meditations meant the world to me, helped me feel connected to her, made me feel very special because I knew she wasn’t doing that for everyone else, and became a key part of my healing journey. (In full vulnerability, even as I write this there is an ache in my heart for these meditations now being a source of hurt instead of hope and connection.) 

I also was terrified of Tarot Cards. I had been told that yoga might be beneficial in my desire to get back more into my body, so I signed up for a private session with a trauma-informed yoga teacher. When I got to my session she had placed a rather beautiful card by the mat I would be practicing on. I hesitated as I saw the cards. She then said that she had pulled a card from an oracle deck from me if I wanted to look; however, she made it very clear that there was no pressure at all. I used the opportunity to learn. I could intuitively sense she was a good person with a calming energy, so maybe she knew something about these cards that I didn’t. I asked her to explain to me the difference between Oracle Cards and Tarot Cards. 

This patient soul gently and thoughtfully shared with me what oracle cards were, and how they are used, and then allowed me to look through the entire oracle deck she had in front of me. To my amazement, they were just beautiful, encouraging, and supportive cards that said things like “slow down,” “breathe,” and “you can do this.” It felt helpful so once I left her house I ordered the same oracle deck, which was my introduction to the beauty, guidance, and support these decks can hold for anyone with a heart open to receiving. 

The Doorway to the FloodGates

At some point in the middle of my dark night of the soul, I saw a spiritual mentor of sorts and she recommended that I try Lectio Divina meditations. I was quite new to meditations, but at this rate, I was fucking drowning and willing to try just about anything short of hard drugs. 

I got home later that day, went onto the InsightTimer app, and tried listening to a Lectio Divina meditation. It didn’t resonate with me at all; however, I realized this app had a ton of other types of meditations. I began listening to some meditations by Sarah Blondin and was a huge fan. I even ended up creating a playlist of some of her best meditations and named it “bedtime.” Every night when I was lying down to bed I would play the playlist for the familiar sound of her calming voice, her seemingly deep understanding of what I was going through, and her encouragement. 

Once those meditations had become so similar that I remembered most of them by heart, I branched out and started slowly trying other meditations on the app. It was during this exploration stage that I ran across someone who I immediately resonated with after only listening to a single meditation, Jamie. Jamie was located in Las Angeles, California and after exploring the other sections of the InsightTimer app about her I realized she works one-on-one with people and I had to know more. 

I reached out to her for a free consultation call not knowing what the hell I was getting myself into (sense a theme here yet?) and booked a time to meet. During the free consultation, I cannot explain in words just how deeply seen, understood, and loved I felt in her presence. She got me. I got her. I was taken aback by how much time she spent with me during that consultation call, including leading me through a bit of an energy-healing process that was new to me. I knew from the second I ended that call that I instantly wanted to work with her, but two things were getting in the way of my saying yes. 

First, it was expensive and required a three-month commitment. I walked into therapy the next week so excited to share this amazing connection and how aligned it felt in my system, but I wanted to run it by my therapist because at the time I was trusting her judgment a hell of a lot more than my own (thanks to my childhood for that default pattern). When I told her she got mad (not seeing red mad, but pretty close).  She was very upset that someone would require a three-month commitment and encouraged me to say no. She reminded me that we are doing the work in therapy and that was all I needed. (At the time, I took this as her having my best interest in mind and a deep desire to protect me. Now, I see more that this pattern of response from her appeared frequently when I was considering working with other practitioners for various healing modalities.) 

At this stage of my healing journey, I was so incredibly vulnerable and very dependent upon my therapist that my inner knowing vs. her fierce “no” was conflicting within my mind, body, and spirit. I decided I really needed to work with Jamie and I was going to continue learning more. 

Second, I was concerned about the three-month commitment. My concern wasn’t about the commitment itself, but more about being “stuck” in something that wasn’t healthy for me. By that time, I had had my share of starting relationships with healers and practitioners that seemed like a great fit only to be burned. The thought of being trapped in something like that for three months, especially given how expensive it was and my therapist’s response, really felt like too much on my system. 

This is when I took a huge leap of faith and did what I previously would not have done prior to all of my work up until that point of my journey. I reached out to Jamie and explained the situation I was in, my fears of being trapped with someone who was going to harm me, and told her that I understand if it’s not possible but is there another way. (I was terrified to state my needs and felt incredibly silly even sending the email, but I was trying to be more proactive about protecting myself so I knew I simply had to in order to move forward.)

This beautiful soul sent me a voice message back (so fucking helpful for me) and kindly explained why she has the three-month commitment and also expressed a deep understanding of where I am and what I need as well as why. She appreciated that I shared some of my stories with her. She agreed to allow me to go month-to-month until I felt more comfortable with a long-term commitment. I was relieved, thrilled, and also terrified to walk back into therapy the next week and have to tell my therapist I went against her recommendation. But I did. Because I simply knew I needed to work with Jamie for some reason and our introduction call had already helped me so much. 

Our Sessions as a Gateway to the Divine

The more I worked with Jamie both one-on-one, in groups, and listening to her live InsightTimer events, I would hear her describe herself as everything from a Priestess of the Divine to a Seer. At the time those words sure as hell caused me pause, but I really liked her and something just felt right about working with her. 

During one of our earlier sessions, I told her very clearly that I only work with God. I explained that I knew the darkness existed, that I had seen its presence on more than one occasion, and that I had no desire at all to work with such entities. To my relief, she fully agreed. 

Jamie explained to me that she only works with pure white light, directly with God (I think she said Source), and the highest, most respected angels. She then led me through an exercise where we grounded in the four corners of her space and my space for protection. She had Jesus, Mother Mary, Archangel Michael, and Mary Magdalene grounded into her space and asked me if I felt comfortable with those same beings for my space. I told her no to Mary Magdalene because I didn’t know much about her (and because the church often paints her as a whore, not someone to go to for protection) and I asked for Archangel Raphael to be my fourth. (By this time I had an archangel oracle deck that I had been working with for a few months and felt deeply connected with Michael and Raphael so I felt comfortable having them in my corners.) 

She then, within our protective space, taught me how to set energetic boundaries. Jamie acted as my guide, always asking me what I wanted my boundaries to be and then guiding me through creating them. She never judged me for my boundaries or tried to push against them at all, she saw me, understood where I was coming from, and helped me set parameters around this new magic we were exploring in a way that felt aligned for me. 

During this session, I explained that I only wanted to work directly with God, Jesus, and the Archangels I had already started to get to know and trust. I made it clear how they could and could not communicate with me. I also explained that I could decide to stop working with any of them at any point by simply saying so if something felt off. I even said anyone or anything that wanted to talk to me had to go directly through God for permission first. I was not joking and I wanted nothing to do with anything not fully approved of by God. Jamie then confirmed and witnessed my boundaries and then we closed the sacred space. (I had no idea at the time how I’d be helping guide others in this very same way in my journeys.) 

From that point forward, I looked forward to the magic of these sessions. She was providing me with a safe place to play and explore with magic as I tapped into my inner knowings, met some of my spirit guides, and learned the power and effectiveness of manifestation. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t just jump into the playhouse of magic each session. Many sessions were trying to help calm my nervous system down, talking through real-life happenings, and being reminded by her that I am not crazy when sometimes the world outside of me had me feeling like I was “the problem.” 

Even with these magical sessions and experiences, I could not have predicted where all of this open-mindedness, and trust in God/Source/The Universe would take me on my journey. 

This was only the beginning.