How Do You Feel?
I remember sitting on the couch at my former therapist’s office and one day toward the beginning of my healing journey when I walked in and sat down on the couch she asked me, “How are you feeling?”
Me: “I’m okay?”
And then insert a bit of a monologue about what was currently going on in my life. Work stuff. Parenting stuff. Ya know, all the seemingly deep but really just surface-level crap we often try to get away with talking about in therapy.
She pressed on and the conversation went something like the following:
Her: “Let’s go deeper. Look at this emotion wheel (a printout) and tell me what feelings on this emotion wheel resonate with you the most.” (The emotion wheel will be included at the end of this chapter.)
Me: “Uh…I don’t know?” (as I sat staring at this huge, colorful, and detailed wheel that had a lot of emotions on it that I had not felt in a long ass time like “happy” and a ton of feelings that weren’t acceptable in my 35 years up until that point like “angry,” “insignificant,” “helpless,” and “rejected.” What did she want me to do with these words that held questionable meaning in my mind?)
Her: “Just try your best, choose a few that seem to resonate with you.”
Me: “Numb?” “Scared?” “Overwhelmed?”
Let me be real with you. Looking at this emotion where and trying to figure out what the fuck I was actually feeling was like an act of Congress (and we all know Congress at least in the United States can’t seem to get anything done). I was terrified to make the wrong choice (thanks to trauma), but more importantly, I had no idea what the answer was. How was I feeling? I was hopeful these semi-safe words I located on the emotion wheel would suffice as an adequate answer.
I naively thought we’d stop there, but boy was I wrong.
Her: “Great. Where do you feel that in your body?”
My what? What the fuck does that even mean? Where do I feel it in my body? Wait, I have a body? Oh you mean this thing that my head is attached to that I completely disassociated from apparently many, many moons ago?
Me: “I have no fucking clue. Wait, can I even say fuck in here?”
Her: “Fuck is just a word.” *Dramatically flailing her hands through the air while changing “fuck, fuck, fuck fuck” to get her point across* (I’m not making this up or joking, actually. Literally this happened.)
Me: *stunned* “Okay. Um. My stomach hurts?”
Dissociation Can Save Us
Then I was educated in so many ways on how when we go through a lot of trauma as a child we often leave our bodies (kind of metaphorically speaking) so that we don’t have to feel all the things that are going on inside of there.
I now understand that this is an amazing act of love as it somehow keeps us safe and sometimes literally alive in situations we otherwise would not survive or be a halfway functional human being afterward. It’s our system (because to me it feels more than just your body but also your mind, soul, etc.) way of protecting us.
However, when we live this way, operating out of our minds and completely fucking disconnected from our bodies it can wreak havoc on our physical body (sometimes even causing chronic illnesses) and we tend to not feel comfortable being still and actually in our bodies.
For me, this means I stayed busy. I went straight from high school to college and got super involved in college academically as well as in different clubs and organizations across campus. I was busy, which in hindsight was perfect because it did not have me at 19 years old dealing with the shock of what I had just somehow survived for the first 18 years of my life.
After college, I went to graduate school, got married, worked a full-time job while in graduate school, had a full-time job after graduating, and still did freelance writing and search engine optimization (SEO) on the side, and so on. This staying busy continued as I was running a digital marketing agency, adjunct teaching at two universities, being a mother and wife, and pursuing my Ph.D. all at the same time.
Then as my marriage crashed down around me and I left the agency for a full-time position in academia and I was catapulted into my healing journey, I was not sitting here across from someone who wanted to know what it felt like in this thing that technically I knew was a body, but I wasn’t 100% sure it was mine because I had no clue what had been going on in there for a very, very long time (and for that I was actually kind of thankful).
It was after this conversation with the therapist and realization that maybe I should try to get back in my body (why? No fucking clue. But my therapist said I should and at the time I trusted her deeply so I listened.) So homework was assigned.
My Homework Assignment
My task was to set 3 alarms on my phone and when those alarms would go off each day I would stop what I was doing and in the notes app of my iPhone I would answer the following prompts:
-
- How are you feeling? I would literally pull up the emotion wheel because it was the only way I could even put words to the feelings and sometimes I’d stare at it a good 5 minutes before something felt halfway close to what I was feeling in the moment because coming back into your body can be fucking terrifying.
- Where are you feeling it in the body? I would halfway make this up until I started to actually be able to feel my body again. It took a while, but over time and with practice I was able to locate exactly where in my body this feeling in the moment lived. A weak feeling in my stomach? Tightness in my chest? etc.
- What do I need right now? Ha! Fuck if I knew what I needed. I had lived a life where I wasn’t allowed to have any needs so this one for a while was so hard to answer. Then, once I was able to answer it better I would cringe when typing what I needed because I thought the need was too much or impossible to have met. Then after months of doing this (not exaggerating) I would be able to answer all 3 of the above pretty quickly. It took practice. It took commitment. And it took feeling silly for a while before it all clicked.
- How can I get this need met? This one was also hard for me because I truly didn’t have many safe people in my life at the time (which I realized after I started doing all the healing journey work. It’s amazing how when you start to heal you can see that the people you have surrounded yourself with are as unhealthy as you and therefore unable to really “hold space” for you in a way that’s needed). But over time my list of resources extended to include at least one safe person, guided meditations, a weighted blanket, a hammock, a stuffed animal, etc. I had more things I could turn to in order to help meet the need that was listed above.
I truly think I did the above for 6+ months. Honestly, it may have been a year. It was a long time and I felt it was a very, very helpful tool for my healing journey. I believe fully that it helped me get back into my body (I am not pretending that was not terrifying, but sometimes coming home to ourselves is like that at first). And in coming back into my body I have gained access to my strength, to my power, to my natural gifts, to my ability to connect directly with Spirit, and for the ultimate source of my deepest knowings.
I need to note here that it was when coming back into my body (using this tool and some others we will explore at a later time) that brought about the emotional dysregulation that was incredibly difficult. However, this is part of the journey and to become healthier, happier, freer, and truly safe in our bodies, we have to go through this journey. Fortunately, we do not have to go through the journey alone, even when it can sometimes feel like the most lonely thing in the world.
Below is an example in case it’s helpful for those getting started in checking in with and ultimately getting back into the beautiful, healing, and incredibly magical space within you that will truly become your ultimate home with practice.
The Emotional Wheel
Image by @trainingsbyromy on Instagram
Example of Feelings Tracker
I decided to do this one now in the moment as a real-life example. Please note that at the beginning I definitely struggled with the process, but as with all things, it’s a practice that takes commitment to see real, tangible, life-changing results.
What am I feeling:
- Disappointed
- Frustrated
- Discouraged
- Unsettled
Where am I feeling it in my body:
- Shallow breath
- Clenched jaw
- Tightness in my stomach above my belly button
- Tense facial muscles
What do I need:
- To be witnesses to how I am feeling right now. Someone to express empathy and understanding.
- A place to live that meets our needs and provides a sense of safety
- A hug
How can I get my needs met:
- Be still and allow how I am feeling to arise
- Place my head on my heart and demonstrate understanding for how I’m feeling
- If sitting with my feelings by myself becomes too much, reach out to a friend for support
- Ask the mom’s group on WhatsApp if they know of places available
- Ask someone for a hug or give an animal a hug
